Aloha'oe Ku'uipo
by mustachey5
Summary: A traumatic event breaks Steve, will he pull through? And what really happened? Rated T for torture. This is sad, I warn you now... bring tissues.
1. Chapter 1

"Are you going to tell me what I want to know? " The accented voice sneered in his face, spit flying from the man's lips as he growled. The maniacal smile never slipping from his twisted face, the icy blue eyes staring like daggers.

"No" Steve managed to choke out between gasps before coughing violently, spitting out the blood that accumulated in his mouth. His ribs throbbed and he was pretty sure several were at least bruised if not broken, his ankle too, which was currently twisted to an impossible angle Steve couldn't bare to look at. His head was beginning to swim, his vision clouded by large black spots and a grayish fuzz. The man paused and leered at Steve before raising his hand and continuing the beating on Steve's already purpling face and torso. Steve shifted , his hands pulled above his head minimalised his ability to balance and he accidentally touched his damaged ankle to the ground. He hissed in agony and shifted again to remove weight from the injured limb. His attacker stopped when he heard the pain filled gasp escape from Steve's lips. He dropped his hands and kicked Steve in his injured ankle. Steve didn't even try and hold back the agonised cry, the pain causing his head to spin and he could feel vomit rising in his throat. The attacker smiled at Steve's pain and kicked him again, twice, relishing the look of torment on the beaten man's face, which was promptly replaced by a dazed look of nausea as Steve emptied his stomach onto the damp concrete floor below him. The smell causing him to wretch again.

"Not so strong now are we?" The tormentor teased as Steve hung limply from the chain that attached his arms to the ceiling above, not caring about the pain in his chest and shoulder that protested being pulled on in such a way.

"I'll ask you again shall I? Tell me what I want to know." He grabbed Steve's hair and yanked it up to look in Steve's half closed eye's. Hours of endless torture had worn him down, the pain finally all washing over him, he guessed he had 4 fractures. Minimum. But he wasn't giving in, he used his last ounces of stregth to pull himself out of the mans hold and stare him in the eye.

"No" and spat the blood from his split lip into the man's face.

"Wrong answer sailor boy and a very bad move." The tormentor wiped the blood off his face and whistled loudly. The door at the side of the room opened and two large men walked in dragging a third person with them. Steve froze, he knew that body, that delicate figure that he knew so intimately. They threw the woman in front of him and pulled off the hood that covered her bruised face.

"Tell me what I want to know." The tormentor pulled a gun from his back pocket and clicked the safety off.

"I.."

"3"

"Stop.."

"2"

"Wait, just..."

"1"

The sound of a gunshot filled the air echoed by a piercing agonised scream.

* * *

Steve shot up, his chest heaving, sweat dripping from his forehead and sticking his t-shirt to his clamy skin. The scream that haunted his sleep still ringing in his ears. He blinked trying to clear the haze of panic and fear. The now familiar room began to come into focus as his eyes adjusted quickly to the darkness. He collapsed back down on the bed breathing away the fear, he rolled over seeing the monitors blinking at him by his bedside. The churning emotions continued to give him that dreading feeling in his stomach. But what was there to dread, it was all done, there was no second chance, no rewind button, only sleep allowed him to escape that feeling, well, until the nightmares began to remind him again. So many emotions were running through him that he simply didn't know which one to feel or deal with first. He sighed and pulled the blanket over his head, trying to hide away, though whether from the horrific nightmares that taunted him at night or the painful reality that plagued his waking hours, he wasn't entirely sure.

* * *

"Do you still have the nightmares?" Steve simply nodded his head in silent response.

"Have they changed at all? Are they more frequent?" The small lady that sat in the chair opposite him continued to probe.

"No. They're the same, every night... I see..." his voice caught in his throat as he ran his hand through his hair as if trying to chase away the horrors that hung over him, a constant oppression.

"But they're not flashbacks, you said they were different? "

"What happens in the nightmares didn't happen in real life, it's some morbid fascination of my imagination."

"How do you feel about the nightmares?" She interrupted gently, seeing his struggle.

"They're just nightmares, I know, but I can't ... I need to get out of here, being stuck in this place in one stupid room isn't helping." He deflected, shutting down the emotions he was on the verge of expressing.

"Commander you have been through a traumatic experience, you need to..."

" I don't need to be treated like a delicate flower. I need space and to go home, so I can move on, not stay here reliving my nightmares"

"You think leaving here will help you move on? The nightmares will go? "

"I am done" Steve pushed his chair back and stood to leave, wincing at the pull on his weakened muscles.

"Well Commander, I am not done." The lady fixed him with a glare.

" I am not some mental case, okay? Stop treating me that way. I am fine- is that what you want to hear? Or would you rather hear that I don't even know anymore if I'm awake or asleep. If this is all some twisted nightmare and I'll wake up at home and it'll be back how it should be. Only I can't have dreams in dreams. So either this is my reality and my nightmares are precisely that, or my nightmares are the reality and you are just some twisted figment of my imagination. I don't know! I don't know and I really don't care because either way won't change it, it'll still happen and there's nothing I can do. So if you would kindly let me go because I am not just a case for a few of you psychiatrists to poke around at..."

"Then what are you?"

"A man who needs to be left alone." He turned and left, slaming the door as he left and moving as fast as his aching body allowed.

* * *

"Mr Williams, can I help?" Danny turned to face the petite lady that addressed him, tearing his eyes away from the window he'd been looking through.

"How is he?" He asked gently, nodding his head to the man who stood staring, silently out of the window, his back to where Danny and the psychiatric stood outside his room looking in. The man Danny knew to be a fearless leadrr, a trained SEAL and an incredible man. The man who looked so far from those descriptions, the man who's light that had pushed him on for so long had truly gone out.

"It's hard to say" she came to stand next to Danny, joining him in watching the tall man, who stood resolutley still.

"He's been talking"

"That's an improvement, has he asked about either. ...?"

"No, he mentions them from his nightmares. I think he's trying to avoid it, he tries to hide it away, he keeps saying he needs to leave, that he's fine."

"Can he?"

" The blackouts have stopped, and the violent outbursts too. Once his physical injuries are healed he'll be free to go, he's not recovered, the trauma , both physical and emotional will leave scars, some of which will take a very long time to heal. But he keeps telling us he 'doesn't need psychiatrists'"

"The concussion, the doctor said there could have been partial memory loss... do you think he remembers. .." Danny's voice trailed off again, unable to finish the thought let alone the sentence without the emotions choking him up.

"He remembers all of it, he doesn't talk about it and I doubt he ever will. But you can see in his eyes, as if it's all he thinks off." Silence fell between the pair as they continued to stare at the silent figure.

"Do you think if he saw..."

"No, he is still on the brink and I don't know which way he will fall. If he saw her it may only remind him, I'm not sure if it would end up doing more harm than good." Danny nodded his silent understanding. The all too familiar feeling of helplessness washing over him as he watched his friend, his brother. He sent up a silent prayer, Steve was strong, but someone had found the one thing that would truly break him and Danny wasn't all that sure that Steve would ever recover.

* * *

Mahalo for reading :) please review and I'll get a new chapter up ASAP !


	2. Chapter 2

"Ane?"

"Anela?"

"Sweetheart, Where are you?" Steve moved quickly through the quiet house, clearing each room, the fear he was trying to keep at bay rose as he came across each empty room.

"Anela, honey..." The panic beginning to seep into Steve's voice and the gun which was held in his sweat slicked hands, shook slightly. He kicked open the final door. The room was empty. Her playpen in the corner was deserted. She was no where to be found.

"He has her too" Steve whispered in panic as he paced the room, running his shaking hands desperately through his hair, the horrid realisation of the current situation hitting him. He stopped in front of her brightly coloured playpen and bent down, picking up her little comfort blanket that lay in the middle of the pen. He gulped, trying to swallow the acidic taste that rose in his throat. Breathing away the tears that were lining his eye he turned back to Danny, running the soft fabric across his rough fingers.

"He has Anela." He whispered, his voice cracking as he said her name. Danny stepped towards his stricken friend, holstering his gun and shooting Chin a warning look as he burst into the room.

"We'll find her Steve" He soothed, he himself trying to fight tears.

"We are too late , what if she's. .." The lost look on Steve's face as he stared at the tiny blanket in his hands breaking Danny's heart.

"We will find her Steve."

* * *

"ANELA!" Steve shot up in bed, his heart racing as he looked around the room, sweat pouring down his face and his heart in his throat.

"Commander?" A young haole nurse ran in to the room at his shouts. He stared at her , eyes wide in panic and ripped the IV out of his arm before trying to climb out of the bed.

"Commander, you need to relax, you'll pull on your stitches if you keep straining. It's okay Sir, just relax. " She tried to comfort him as she stepped forward, he ignored her, desperately trying to untangle himself from the bed linen he had got himself caught up in.

"Anela, I need to find her." He mumbled

"Sir, you need to get back in bed." She pleaded as he freed himself. He made to move past her but she stepped in front of him blocking his path with her arm. He grabbed the front of uniform and slammed her against the wall , pressing his arm against her neck.

"Where is she? What have you done to my little girl?" " She struggled in his arms, fighting against the pressure on her throat. He stared at her growling in her face until her struggling slowed, her body going limp in his arms. He released her from his iron grip and she dropped to the floor.

He turned just in time to see two large male nurses rush into his room and grab hold of him. He felt the sharp stab of a needle in his upper arm but quickly stopped struggling as the room began to spin and sleep claimed him again.

* * *

Steve blinked, his eyelids heavy and his head pounding. He pushed himself up but immediately collapsed again into the pillows, groaning in pain. His ribs were sore, the skin still delicate and the scars on his arms and legs that had been healing nicely were burning and red. He looked down his arms and spotted a new bandage on his hand and a bruise on his upper arm. His attention was drawn to the door of his room as the psychiatrist walked in, he still couldn't remember her name.

"Good Afternoon Steven, after last night's antics you appear to have slept quite well. " She greeted, walking up to his bed.

"Can you remember what happened? " She asked gently, looking at the new bandage and glancing at his monitors.

"The nurse, is she okay?" Steve lifted his head off the pillow, straining to look at the piece of wall he'd pinned her against.

"She's fine, bruised and a little scared but she's fine. " She paused momentarily.

"What was the nightmare about Steve." She probed.

"I'm not talking about it." He rolled away from her and she sighed in annoyance.

"Why?"

"Because it was a freaking nightmare, I'm 37, grown men don't have nightmares." He tried to refrain from shouting but wasn't entirely successful.

"You have been through serious emotional and physical trauma, you were tortured, you didn't take your medication, that's what happens..."

"I know what I've been through. I was there. But that doesn't mean I have nightmares, or that I'm crazy, or depressed. And it certainly doesn't mean I need medication. I need to be left alone, so leave. Me. Alone. " He enunciated each word.

"Then why were you in such a panic last night that you assaulted a young nurse?"

"I...I didn't mean to hurt her. " he whispered, anger turning to shame. She sighed and tried a different approach.

"You're scared you'll lose her. "

"What?" Steve's face crinkled in confusion.

"Anela, you're scared you'll lose her." She explained. Steve looked away and pushed himself up to sit against the pillows, ignoring the pain.

"You're lucky you didn't pull any stitches out last night, thankfully you're pretty much healed. " she arranged the pillows so he was comfortable.

"Thank you" he said quietly, staring at his hands.

"Why are you so scared about losing her?" She asked after a beat.

"He knows about her, I tried to protect them, but he found out."

"Who's he Steve?" She pushed but he simply shook his head. Silence fell between them again.

"Anela is a beautiful name."

"It means angel and she was born on Christmas eve..." he shrugged. She looked at him in silence, it was clear he didn't intend on saying anything else and quietly left the room.

* * *

_3 years ago _

_Steve slipped silently out from under the sheets, careful not to disturb the sleeping form that lay next to him. He crept over to the crib that stood at the end of their bed and looked down at the little girl that slept quietly. He needed to sleep, he knew he would be getting little if any in the future but he just had to look at her again, he was completely enchanted. Anela Halia McGarrett had arrived in the world a little under 24 hours ago, after an exceptionally long labour. She was the spitting image of her beautiful mother except for the slight wave in her chocolate brown tuft of hair that she'd inherited from her father. She had weighed in a 7lbs 2oz , a healthy and happy little girl and had been released from hospital with her mother only a few hours ago. Steve had been unable to tear his eyes from her since she had been born. He had made sure to check, multiple times, that she did indeed have all ten fingers and all toes. He reached his hand out gently stroking her soft face with one of his fingers. He couldn't believe how tiny she was. She stirred slightly , scrunching her face into a scowl and Steve quickly picked her up and began comforting her. He looked at his wife as she slept soundly, exhausted from labor and slipped out of the room, hoping to give her a little longer to rest before Anela's next feed. He walked into his old room and over to the window, staring down at the ocean that lay not to far away. He looked back at the little girl in his arms, his daughter, and dropped a warm kiss to her dainty nose. He pulled back slightly and smiled at her, slipping his little finger into her small palm, marveling at her strong grip. After all he'd been through in life, never once did he think he would settle down , but fate had other plans. He knew he was going to be wrapped round her little finger, he could tell she would take after her mother in that. He sighed contentedly as walked them back to the bedroom and placed her gently in her cot, dropping a final kiss to her cheek before he slipped back into bed, a smile on his face._

* * *

Steve stirred silently in bed, his thoughts and memories keeping him awake as emotions continued with the spin cycle they had been on since he had been rescued. Every time he closed his eyes he is back in the warehouse he can see it happening again and again, helpless to do anything to stop it, because it had already happened. It was the reality he was faced with, the reality that there was nothing he could do to change the fact that she was gone and she wasn't coming back. The reality that she may not be the only one he loses. She's gone, there is no second chance, no mistake. She's gone and the constant pain of loneliness and heartbreak leaves him feeling unable to breath , but the guilt is the worst, because he watched it all happen and he didn't save her.


	3. Chapter 3

"Steve? " Mary asked gently as she stepped into the room. He sat silently on the small bed, his back turned to the door as he stared out of the window.

"Steve?" She tried again, moving around the bed to face him. His eyes never once looking over to her, the haunted look that Danny had spoken of still plagued his features.

She sighed as she moved to sit gently on the bed next to him. She hadn't wanted to believe Danny's warnings of the fragile state her brother was in. Steve was strong. He had been tortured before, he had lost people before, but it had nevet affected him this badly. But this time was different, she knew that, she knew how deeply they had managed to hurt him. They had hit him where it most hurt and she could only be thankful he had made it even this far. Her heart had broken for him when Danny called her to tell her what had happened, and it broke again now as she watched him, a mere shadow of the fearless Naval officer he once was. They didn't know everything. In truth they knew almost nothing of what had happened, other than the physical evidence that was left behind. That alone painted a sickening enough picture of the events. Steve had posttraumatic stress disorder. Or so the psychiatrist had said. He was blanking the memory out, refusing to accept it had happened. He refused to mention what had happened and they doubted they would ever know the entire truth. Mary had stayed away the first few weeks, unable to bring herself to face him. She hoped , as she imagined everyone else did too, that this was simply a nightmare, a sickening nightmare but that they would wake up and it would all go away. She knew she should have been there for him but in truth she had been scared of what she would find. He kept trying to convince them he was fine, that he was healing. But as she sat watching him , his face void of any emotion but his hunched posture and the slouch of his shoulders betrayed his true emotions. His vulnerability. His fear. His guilt. They always say it's the emotional scars that take the longest time to heal and Mary couldn't help but wonder if they ever would. The one person that had helped heal the mess that was Steve's heart was gone.

She shuffled closer to him on the bed, gently placing her hand on his lower arm. He looked up at her in surprise, as if only just acknowledging her presence in the room, they stared at each other for a moment, neither sure what to say.

"Hey" Mary eventually said, forcing a weak smile that she knew didn't reach her eyes. Steve blinked at her and turned his head to the floor.

"What did they do to you Steve?" She whispered reaching to turn his head towards her but he pulled away from her and stood up.

"Don't" It was only one word but she could hear the shake in his voice.

"You can't keep it bottled up forever Steve"

"Mary...I...not yet, please, just not yet." He said . She walked over to him and slipped her arm gently around his waist, tucking into his side as he dragged his hands across his face.

"Okay" She said, nestling further into his side in a sort of half hug. He tensed so she slipped her other arm around him and pulled him in closer. Eventually he relaxed and dropped his arms to her shoulders, returning the comforting hug, clinging to the warm embrace.

"You'll be okay" She whispered into his chest as she felt his breathing becoming shaky with unshed tears.

"Maybe not today, but someday... it will get better, it has to."

* * *

"Commander?" The voice of a nurse eventually broke the siblings apart.

"You have another visitor." She continued and Steve nodded.

"I'll go see if I can get some paperwork done for you so we can get you out a little sooner, yeah?" Mary said stepping away from Steve's embrace but still holding on to him.

"Okay" he said with a weak smile and let her leave. He sunk back down on the bed and waited.

"Hey" Chin's soft voice greeted him.

"Hey" Steve replied turning to face him but not quite making eye contact.

"The nurse tells me you're being sprung today..." Chin continued.

"Yeah, all healed." Steve's reply was slightly snappier than he had intended.

"How's the leg?"

"Bareable, it'll heal though." Chin nodded silently as he moved and sat next to him on the bed.

"How are you coping?" He asked quietly. Steve shrugged.

"I'm better, I'll be fine..." He replied his voice heavy with an emotion that Chin couldn't quite identify. Guilt? A long silence stretched between the pair, Steve had apparently lost the little conversational skills he used to have.

"We're still searching for Wo Fat" Chin said eventually. Steve's eyes shot up to him, a question clearly on his lips but he was struggling to force it out, the emotions getting the better of him.

"We haven't found her yet Steve, I'm sorry. " Chin explained as if sensing the question. Steve visibly deflated.

"We will find him, him and Anela , I promise you...he won't get away." Steve nodded his head in silent understanding. Chin sat watching him for a moment before sighing and standing to leave.

"I'm sorry" It was barely audible but it stopped Chin in his tracks and he turned back to face Steve.

"Pardon?"

"I'm sorry" Steve repeated.

"Steve, you have nothing to apologiae for, after all you've been through..."

"But I do. I'm not the only one grieving. I promised to protect her and I failed..."

"It was not your fault Steve."

"That's where you are wrong, you're all wrong. It was entirely my fault."

* * *

"Commander" Steve looked up at the doctor who strode towards him and Mary. She was an elder haole lady, he didn't recognise her.

"How are you feeling today then?" She asked as she glanced down at her clipboard.

"Fine" he grunted, he was itching to leave, to escape and he really wasn't in the mood for a conversational chat.

"Okay, so you have had all of your stitches out and you look to be healing up quite nicely. The psychiatrist wants you back for weekly appointments but if you could just sign a few forms for me, I will sort your prescriptions and you'll be free to go." She replied glancing up at him aa she passes him the pieces of paper and a pen. Steve signed quickly, not even bothering to glance at what the forms said he eas so desperate to leave.

"Thank you, now , this is Xanax , take one every eight hours as needed. " She said handing over the bottle of pills.

""And this is fluvoxamine, take it twice a day. These will help with the nightmares and anxiety..."

"I don't need them. I'm fine."

""You will take them commander as instructed or you will not leave this hospital. The choice is yours. " She said glaring at him.

"The xanax is a benzodiazepine , specifically used for treatment of anxiety. Fluvoxamine is an SSRI used to treat PTSD." Steve opened his mouth to say something but she interrupted before he could say anything.

"I know what you are going to say commander. Yes your symptoms have improved and are under control, I know you don't agree with us but you are struggling with PTSD. "

"I'm fine."

"Yes you have improved greatly, we wouldn't let you leave otherwise. But this is because you are on medication to control the symptoms. " Steve made to talk again but she silenced him with a flick of her hand.

"The normal rules apply, no alcohol or recreational drugs. Also you cannot take any opiates so if you want pain relief you will have to stick with the normal Tylenol" She continued as she checked over her forms.

"That's it then, you're appointment with the psychiatrist is on Tuesday."

"Okay" He half mumbled, standing to leave.

"Take care of yourself Steven. " she added softly a smile part way between empathy and pity on her face. Steve simply looked at her before leaving the room, Mary following in his wake.

* * *

The drive home took place in silence. Steve simply stared out the window, watching the world flash past. They soon pulled into the driveway of the McGarrett house and Mary assisted Steve out of the car, ignoring his cries of protest. They entered the house in silence and Mary entered the alarm code. Steve stood staring straight ahead of himself.

"Umm, Steve? You going to move or what?" Mary asked after a few minutes when he still hadn't moved.

"I just need a minute..."

"Steve?"

"I just need some space.." he whispered and she nodded silently before slipping out of the room. He turned his head glancing around the familiar room. He walked over to the French doors that led out to the lanai and looked over to the ocean that lay beyond. He could feel her presence, the entire house was drenched in it.

"I'm sorry" he whispered to the crashing waves.

"He has her, our baby girl. I swore to protect both of you but I lost you"

"I failed Ku'uipo. I failed you"


End file.
